The Group of Death 3.0

”Well, it’s bad news for Alec ‘The Adder’ Harvey. Just three weeks ago, he was as short as levels (Evens) to win the GoD, but has drifted to Burlington Bertie (100/30) after the stark revelation that he’s blown his wad and committed himself too early. Be it Fun Runs or getting engaged, the boy just can’t help himself!

He’s still favourite, but coming up on the rails is Rod ‘Cack Foot’ Marquis, who is Rouf (4/1), while the famous non-league player, and infamous non-payer Justin Gentle can be backed at sixes.

The incredibly handsome and sexually magnetic Marc Sinfield is available at 8 (but enough of his private life), while renown pervert Mark King is a cockle – that’s 10/1, but you can insert your own joke anyway.

My stunt double, Nick Leonard, is a 14/1 chance while Les Ferdinand should be avoided at 20/1.

Ian ‘Dr Doolittle’ Bickerstaff’s team is living up to his nickname – by doing very little – and should only be backed with Gentle’s money at 50/1 (which can be found under his bed, beneath the squeaky floorboard).

James Town is hoping for a miracle – no, not the one about free Persil for a year – but the one where players who don’t even play in the Premiership pick up points. Utter gash and is unbackable at 200/1.

And despite not even being in the league you can still have a piece of the Brothers Grim (John and Paul Skitt) at 10000/1.

Which leaves the plucky outsider Neil Bailey at 50000/1. More chance of Anne Haddy winning methinks. Now, I WANT MY DIET COKE!!!!!!!!!!”

John McCririck was speaking from the Nick Leonard Health Studio, Halstead Hill, Cheshunt.