Following the sad death of Jeremy Beadle, ITV moved quickly to secure the services of his heir apparent.

All things considered, Sav took the Chelsea - Everton result reasonably well…..

Lesson One: The Bicycle Kick

At first glance, Harry Redknapp and Ian Bickerstaff look to have a great deal in common. One is a shifty, conniving chancer with a coiffured barnet, who has spent all of his working life blagging his way from job to job, supplementing his wages in a less than legal manner. While the other is the manager of Portsmouth.

Yet, look more closely, there are distinct differences between the two. For while Happy Harry is tonight consulting his copy of ‘Daltons Weekly (Used Footballers Edition)’ for bargain buys who might just be good enough to get a result against the third worst team in the league, Bickers has decided to sit tight with his All-African XI. He does this, despite the imminent start of the African Cup of Nations.

The ‘do nothing’ tactic suggests a number of things. It could be that Bickers is taking a leaf out of Gaffer Town’s controversial Book of Management, and retaining faith in players with absolutely no chance of playing. Or he may have defaulted on his broadband subscription while faffing around with the monkeys in the jungle. More likely however, is that Bickers is so utterly disillusioned at being the GoDs equivalent of Derby, that he, like Paul Jewell, has already hoisted the white flag high above his head and said ‘no mas’.  And who can blame him? A whopping 121 points behind an equally ambivalent Neil Bailey, the same amount behind the hapless Town. He looks to be a dead man walking. Which is a shame, as the game needs lucky swine’s who routinely fall into buckets of shit and come up smelling of roses.

But all is not lost. Perhaps the challenge of dipping into that whopping transfer booty and overturning that deficit to humiliate Bailey or Town into last place may just stir him into action.

But that is assuming he isn’t just Harry Mk II, willing to see out the rest of the season in the comfort zone. 

Simon Jordan has reacted angrily to the accusations levied at him. He clearly is not aware that we have the power to deduct points in line with the gravity of crimes committed. And this is a serious crime at that.

While the defendent has elected to represent himself, the GoD board has chosen The Rt Hon Mr A Harvey as prosecutor following his tenancious defence in 2005’s AdderGate witchhunt.

However, under the watchful eye of Judge Sinfield I am sure he can be confident of a fair trial.

While Marquis is known as a curtain-twitching voyeur in the mould of Arsene Wenger, it appears he has just cause for his paranoia…

If you check out his table-toppers, and then sneak a peak at Gentle’s recently rising side, you’ll see similarities. In fact you’ll se about 10 of them.

The only difference appears to be that Rod stays true to his principles and won’t comtemplate the inclusion of the Chelski fat boy, while Jordan has snapped him up. If he outscores Adebayor, Jordan wins. Simple as that.

Or so he thinks. The GoD League committee has, however, become aware of this worrying trend and therefore cannot stand idle and see the beautiful game sullied by large-featured football journeymen. Just as two years ago the imposition of a 150 point penalty saw Adder slide into the GoMI, a similar punishment could be dished out if plagiaraism has been seen to have taken place.

Either party could be culpable. The case pits a founding GoD member with an almost impeccable track record and a history of selfless charity work against a man with a big gob who shows worrying traits of unoriginality. I’m sure it will be a fair trial.

Gentlemen, the court of arbitration is in progress. Please submit an electronic copy of your transfer history forthwith so we can see exactly who’s copying who.

Failure to comply will be taken as guilt and appropriate action will be taken…

Nick decided to call a meeting of the top boys to sort out the ‘Portsmouth’ problem.

If you want an update on who’s doing what, just give Rod Marquis a call.

Chutspur manager seen scouting undercover in India…